I just want to share with you guys a story from my past which has inspired a sudden realisation on my part. Now bear with me.
When I was younger, secondary school age, I was bullied terrifically mostly because of my weight and my lack of education about eating correctly. This combined with my sensitive nature and unconfident demeanour meant I ate for comfort not really realising I was eating my emotions. Trust me I am no where near over this, but I’m learning that discipline. *Food is fuel not my friend* haha. So, the consequences of this was that I was a fat kid with few friends and fewer motivations to be in school because of the other kid’s unkindness.
I remember being called out on the playground for being with a kid called Michael, who used to bring sweets and things to school and sell them, who was his best customer? No idea, don’t ask me. I had bought a few things from him but had been watched by my peers at the time and they sneered and one asked, “I assume your boyfriend has given you everything! You’re such a fat shit.” This was a usual day and I ignored the laughter and jeers and slunk off to eat what I’d purchased, at a premium price.
Later, a known arse of a boy came to find me because apparently, I’d eaten everything Michael had brought, and he wanted everything I had left. He spat in my face as he said, “Give me everything you bought from Michael.” I said, “I don’t have anything left.” I hadn’t noticed one of his friends had knelt-down behind me and he pushed me over him. I jumped up embarrassed to see people pointing and laughing and ran after him, I gave chase until he turned near the doors and nose to nose all I could hear was people chanting “Hit him, hit him.” I failed, as usual, to muster any sort of courage and turned and was pushed away continually and goadingly to my next lesson.
My realisation now is that I couldn’t hit that boy and maybe that makes me coward or maybe that makes me a better person, I suppose that depends on your opinion. But for me, reflecting on it, it shows me how strong I was to not bow to peer pressure and that my crippling hatred towards violent behaviour is ingrained in my personal philosophy.
Now I understand some people may be shouting unkind things at their screen or wow that’s fantastic but this sudden realisation, whilst I was washing pots at 29 no doubt, shows I had integrity even then. As somebody who was told (and believed until quite recently) I’d never amount to anything by many people, including friends and family and was constantly compared to my older sister, who is much smarter than I and much more driven, by the teachers who taught her, that’s quite something.
I don’t regret my time at school, it has shaped me and now time spent reflecting has shown me even then I had something. My point is that I have endured bad days and good days and never, until now, have I thought in such a positive way about my past and being those horrible days.
Thanks for Listening!